An Unfinished Essay - "Dear Agony" 5/4/11

          At the end of this past year I was cleaning out and deleting old emails when I stumbled across an interesting one I had forwarded to myself.  It was titled "Dear Agony."  Apparently the essay was intended to be a followup to my senior thesis at MacMurray which was titled "Only Through the Pain:  An Ontological Argument for the Necessity of Pain in Human Life."  What makes the essay particularly interesting is that it bears the foreshadow of this blog's title.  However, the email was dated 5/4/2011 which was almost a year before the inception of this blog.  If my memory serves correctly, the essay was initially intended to be a follow up to my senior thesis and keep my academic writing skills up to par, and to be potentially submitted to graduate schools which I was applying to at the time.  As it turns out I wrote a different essay ("Benevolence of a Stranger") to submit to my applying graduate schools (it can be read here).  Nevertheless I'll continue with what I have of this essay exactly as it existed.  The essay that "never was" but I believe has been fulfilled through the living proof of this blog.  The below content is presented in its original unpublished state.

I have nothing left to give

I have found the perfect end

You were made to make it hurt

Disappear into the dark

Carry me to heaven's arms

Light the way and let me go

Take the time to take my breath

I will end where I began

And I will find the enemy within

Cuz I can feel you crawl beneath my skin

Dear agony just let go of me

Suffer slowly

Is this the way it's gotta be

Dear agony...

...Leave me alone, God let me go

I'm blue and cold, black sky will burn

Love pull me down, hate lift me up

Just turn around, there's nothing left

Somewhere far beyond this world

I feel nothing anymore

Dear agony, just let go of me

Suffer slowly

Is this the way it's gotta be

Don't bury me, faceless enemy

I'm so sorry, Is this the way it's gotta be

Dear agony

I feel nothing anymore

[from "Dear Agony" by Breaking Benjamin]

Prologue

          During the fall of 2009 I wrote my undergraduate senior thesis on the necessity for pain in human life.  It was a musically inspired essay expanding upon a lyric in the song "Black Rose" by the band Trapt that states, "... only through the pain, I could find a way to learn."  Again I have been musically inspired.  I have heard and enjoyed the CD and song mentioned above but its message has sunken in to new depths given circumstances and other readings that are detailed below.  The 2009 Essay was nearly thirty pages in length and focused on psychological and emotional suffering.  The option, if none of the exits were taken was a cynical loop.  This cynical loop was (then) described and the admission of suffering, but refusal or ignorance to find or apply a use/reason for it.  It has recently come to my mind "what happens after an exit is taken?"  Often these exits will lead us, sooner or later, to what seems like the same old trip as before; thus we are back where we started.  The essay also leaves an out stating that closed-minded individuals for reasons (religious or not) put up barricades and do not see that life continues beyond their suffering.  This, while it is an "out" for the purpose of the initial essay also leaves a need for further explanation.  Hence, an addendum is here written.  After reading many works of Albert Camus I realized that the "loop" detailed in "Only Through the Pain" was not limited to cynics.  In fact, it was much more comprehensive than I had first realized.  The existential tragedy of life stems from the realization of two "truths."  The first is that life is meaningless.  The second is that humans have a constant need to seek out meaning in our lives.

Seeds for Further Ideas...

          ... that stem from a tree already planted.  My current academic interests directed me towards the magazine "Psychology Today."  On the website for the magazine I read several articles which promoted formerly written ideas.  As is often the case in Philosophy, and life in general, when seeking to answer a question we may find an answer but ultimately (in all probability) are left only with more questions than when we began.

Review of "Only Through the Pain"

Summary of Previous Essay

Writings of Albert Camus

Living authentically, what does that mean?

Writings of C.S. Lewis

Are we in heaven or hell?

The First Article

Existentialism and Psychoanalysis.  What is trauma?  How is trauma beneficial?

The Second Article

"I wish I could be everything that ever lived"

The Third Article

The red pill (The Matrix reference)... is it worth it?

And So We Begin Again

... with more questions than answers, from where I left off in late 2009