First Year of Graduate School Summary

          My second semester and first year (out of three) at the University of West Georgia ended two weeks ago.  As following form with the first semester, I wanted to write a little something to sum up my experiences this semester.
          Firstly, I must say that this semester has been exhausting.  Particularly the last three weeks or so.  I thoroughly enjoyed my classes this semester.  I thought that they had helped me to dive excruciatingly deep into this wonder we call "the human experience."  Of course, it is impossible for me to express all that I have learned over the past semester in this simple post, but that is what all the entries along the way have been for.  I also felt like there was great synergy between most of my classes.  Particularly the connection between "Psychology of Suffering and Disorders" and "Brief and Narrative Therapy."  The same instructor taught my "Suffering" course as my "Theory and Practice of Clinical Assessment" course, so naturally there was some methedological and philosophical crossover.  The topics covered in these courses most certainly influenced the topics I discussed and researched for my "Research Methods" course.
          In terms of exhausting, I have never felt so "out of gas." as the closing weeks of this semester.  For starters, my Spring "Break" consisted of me working over 60 hours at my Mental Health Tech job.  The following week, there was a stint where I was awake (not just vegged out infront of a TV or computer screen) for about 41 hours.  That consisted of a 12 hour shift at work, presenting our Psychology Department's annual conference, providing supportive attendance to my colleagues' presentations, and returning to work for another 6 hour stint... then it was time to begin working on my final papers.  From what I can recall, I think I wrote somewhere between 80 and 100 pages in a matter of 4 days.  Truth be told, I was sad to see the semester end.  My feelings of running out of fuel were not due to "uninvested sacrifice", rather, quite the opposite.  I feel as if I had contributed all that I possibly could to the courses ... to the point where the grades I "earned" were irrelevant.  My spirit may have been running out of fuel but I can hardly think of I time when my heart had felt so full.  That, has made the journey worth it all the while.
          I finally watched "The Dark Knight Rises" (yes, I'm a bit late in getting to this) but I think that the timing was just right considering the philosophical implications of the film.  There were two parts of the movie that I felt really spoke to my personal life.  First, Bain says to Batman; "You fight like a younger man, with nothing held back... admirable, but mistaken."  When I look back at my career as an athlete, I think this is very symbolic   When I first started practicing martial arts and combat sports, you could say, I was full of piss and vinegar, seething with anger at the world, and searching for an outlet.  I found that outlet in fighting.  One of the reasons I have not returned to fight in "the octagon" is because I am afraid that I could not recreate the experience of my first fight.  I was driven by a raw grotesque rotting in my guts, as if they were filled with gravel, my eyes sharp and hardened stones.  For better or worse, I don't know that I feel that way anymore.  Similarly, in the film, the parallel is that "Victory has defeated you."  Bain says this as he's pummeling Batman and the idea behind it is that Bain is still fueled by an animalistic rage whereas Batman has become soft or weakened, that he has "mereley adopted the darkness" rather than being "born in it, raised by it."
          The second connection I made to the film lies in an exchange between Bruce Wayne and Alfred.  Bruce tells Alfred, "You're afraid that I'll fail."  Alfred replies, "No, I'm afraid that you want to."  In my class discussions on Suffering, we talked about Vicarious Trauma, or Counselor's Guilt (similar in my mind to Survivor's Guilt), Burnout, and Compassion Fatigue.  The more interesting part of the discussion was about the unavailability of resources for counselors to help themselves manage their existential pains.  Indeed, a colleague said to me at the conference (mentioned above), "Wow... I hope you're taking time to take care of yourself."  I wrote in one of my journal entries that that was my "sickness unto death"; that I didn't want to or have forgotten how to "take care of myself."  In a similar sense to the film, and the more interesting part of my inquiry into these topics, is why I don't want the help in dealing with these vicarious and guilty sufferings.  I don't think it is a matter of individual egoism  by more a fundamental principle of mine.  "Suffering builds character" (from the film).  In absolute honesty, I am mortified by the thought that attempts at soothing my own personal sufferings and traumas would only antagonize the "existential" guilt.  Indeed, there is something pure, simple, and beautiful about the "9-5 grind" and carrying on your personal life in segregation.  But that concept misses something powerful, "admirable but mistaken", there is wonder and awe to be found in the depths of our suffering when we peer up (if only for an instant) from the quagmire and (perhaps only imagine) see(ing) a faint peep of sunlight.
          I have become increasingly convinced of the truth in Camus' statement that "The struggle towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart" and of course, then, "One must imagine Sisyphus happy."  But I suppose that depends on the punchline of another favorite film of mine (Vanilla Sky), "What is happiness to you..."  For me, I have to think it is the feeling of being burried but brilliant, depth charging a rabbit hole, owing nothing to the filth of this planet and its contents, but giving everything anyway.